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The Carney Files: Mullets, cyborgs and pains in the ass

Four more stages have been completed here at Superweak 2003. The first few road races are out of the way, and there weren't any huge surprises. This year the road races have double points, and so they should dictate who is going to contest the overall. The Alpine Valley Road Race is probably the hardest race of the series. It is also where Stevie Ray Vaughn lost his life in a helicopter crash. Every year I choose not to race there for one of those two reasons. The course has several very steep hills that repeatedly beat you down like a red-headed stepchild. There is also very little shelter

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Jonas Carney, Prime Alliance Cycling Team

Who is that mysterous mullet-man?

Who is that mysterous mullet-man?

Photo: Jonas Carney

Four more stages have been completed here at Superweak 2003. The first few road races are out of the way, and there weren’t any huge surprises. This year the road races have double points, and so they should dictate who is going to contest the overall.

The Alpine Valley Road Race is probably the hardest race of the series. It is also where Stevie Ray Vaughn lost his life in a helicopter crash. Every year I choose not to race there for one of those two reasons. The course has several very steep hills that repeatedly beat you down like a red-headed stepchild. There is also very little shelter from the wind and sun, which makes it a tough-guy course that favors Lieswynesque riders. Most sprinter types tend to stay home and repeatedly fire hot cups of coffee onto themselves because it’s more fun.

Three of those Lieswynesque type riders, led by Adam Bergman, escaped a large breakaway in the last two laps. At the tender age of 22, Adam is quickly establishing himself as one of the biggest pains in the ass I can remember. He attacks too much, and isn’t much fun to be off the front with. In the end Danny In’t Ven escaped to take the win, followed by Viktor Rapinski and Bergman. The Russian Concussion remains in yellow and looks like the man to beat again this year.

Alpine Valley Road Race results:
1. Danny In’t Ven (B), ICSA
2. Viktor Rapinski (Bel), Saturn
3. Adam Bergman , Jelly Belly
4. Emile Abraham (Trin), Aerospace Engineering
5. Paul Martin, Gomart

Wreck-a-rental in Wisconsin

Tuesday was the MGA proving grounds road race in Burlington, Wisconsin. It’s a great event to attend if you have a rental car. The old proving grounds have all kinds of silly obstacles, and provide a great opportunity to see what your Dodge Neon or Chevy Cavalier is capable of.

As usual at MGA, there was an epic breakaway. The group split in half near the end, and Igor Abakoumov of the Ukraine soloed in for the win. Rapinski is not getting tired. Wasn’t it exactly one year ago that we were pondering the possibility that he might be a Cold War-era KGB cyborg loose in the American peloton?

MGA Proving Ground Road Race results:
1. Igor Abakoumov (Ukr), Van Hemert Cycling
2. Viktor Rapinski (Bel), Saturn
3. Harm Jansen (Ned), GS Jack Balls
4. Ryan Blickem Border Bandits
5. Sven Teutenberg (G), Bianchi

The Mysterious Mullet Man

In Whitnall Park, the race seemed impossible to figure out. The course has a decent hill on it, but no matter how hard anyone attacked, or how many times anyone attacked, nothing would go. It was pretty much non-stop attacks for the first 40 miles, with no group gaining more than five seconds. After an hour and a half of this, I felt like I was on the verge of a stanozolol rage, which is weird because I don’t take stanozolol. Eventually, just after the 850,000th attack, the field sat up and stopped pedaling. Naturally, I wasn’t in the break.

Someone who appeared to be a new addition to the Saturn roster was in the move. Nobody knew who it was, but the women swooned over this mystery man and his sexy hairstyle while his competitors underestimated his powers.

When all the dust settled, the peloton let out a collective gasp as he revealed his true identity and collected first prize. It was none other than Ivan “The Cuban Missile Crisis” Dominguez. Apparently, he read last year’s Stuporweek coverage and stole my idea to use a mullet wig as a disguise. I’ve called my lawyer to see if I can sue him for half his prize money.

I took the crazy-fast downhill field sprint over the KGB cyborg, who is still in yellow.

Whitnall Park results:
1. Ivan Dominguez, (Cub), Saturn
2. Jurgen Van Loocke, St. Martinuss Cycling Team
3. Pete Knudsen, Schroeder Iron
4. Russell Langley, ABRT-Snow Valley
5. Frank Pipp, Athletes By Design

Who is this Frank Pipp dude?

Thursday in the Humboldt Park criterium a three-man group consisting of Aaron Olson, Pete Knudsen, and Frank Pipp went from the gun and lapped the group.

Many of you might be asking yourselves, “Who in the hell is this Frank Pipp dude?” Well, to be honest, I have to say that I have no idea. Aside from sitting on his wheel and being thoroughly impressed when attacked up the hill in Whitnall Park, I don’t know much. I’ll see what I can find out though. Olson took the V over his teammate Knudsen.

Humboldt Park results:
1. Aaron Olson, Schroeder Iron
2. Pete Knudsen, Schroeder Iron
3 . Frank Pipp, Athletes By Design
4. Nieko Biskner, Sierra Nevada
5. Johnny Lieswyn, 7UP

Notice how the Americans dominated this stage. Do you think the EuroDisney Juggernaut will be on raging form for the Schlitz Park criterium tonight? It usually has tons of huge primes. Gee, I wonder.

In other news: I didn’t see any of you out at the Nomad on Thursday night for the two-wheel bar-hopping sillyness. Don’t tell me that bike racers would rather sit in bed with their feet propped up against the wall sipping on Cytomax whilst having fantasies about Jan Ullrich rather than actually going outside and having a few PBRs with some fellow cycling enthusiasts? Check out the picture of the Nomad crew.