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New Gear: Stop the Cold (and Lustful Bike Thoughts)

Singletrack.com has found a great new product that will keep the coming fall chill from your head while at the same time ward off the bike-industry-induced lust for the coming 2010 mountain bikes.

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WHAT THE INDUSTRY DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THE AFDB
MSRP: Do not buy a bike industry AFDB (they poke tiny holes in them, rendering beanie useless.)
Tester Conclusion:
Pro — The Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie isn’t just mind-control resistant, this baby is mind-control-proof.
Con — Aluminum doesn’t breathe for shit; itchy scalp and dandruff likely.
Editor’s Note III: There are Aluminum Foil Helmets on the market — even some with those useless sun-visors. We suggest the following reading before you make a purchase.
On the Effectiveness of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study
A properly fitted Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Courtesy photo
A properly fitted Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Courtesy photo

The best thing about the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is how well it fits under my cycling helmet on those long rides when my mind starts to, distressingly so, free itself.

The next best thing about the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is the style. I can wear it while I’m casually surfing the Internet and not look like a poser in my Salsa cycling cap. Also, if you squint whilst admiring the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie it takes on the sheen of brushed titanium.

And during both uses – riding my 26-inch hardtail or perusing mountain bike web sites debating the merits of 29ers and suspension versus 26-inch hardtails –  the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is highly efficient at blocking mind-control beams transmitted by the multi-national bike companies trying to get me to purchase a big-wheeled bike.

The Ride (Editor’s Note: These are only semi-scientific findings):

Post-AFDB Ride – While I was passing an alarming amount of blood in my urine after a two-hour ride full of rock gardens and ledges on my hardtail, nary a thought about ride-smoothing big wheels or full suspension entered my brain.
Post-non-AFDB Ride – “F#@K…My kidneys. I wonder if my wife will notice that $5,000 Superfly 100 charge on the Visa…?”

Recap: The Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie offers great protection on several levels. It is surprisingly effective at stifling new ideas from infiltrating your mind, especially from that Internet thing, which is totally useless because of the overload of comfort and utility it brings to our lives (very much like full suspension and big wheels).

Second, by purchasing the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie “Burly” model, a rider can unfold the headgear and use it as body armor. The utility of this is, obviously, two-fold. Not only does it keep your shins safe, the Burly wards off the beaming of direct-marketing messages (from those noisy black helicopters hovering over sweet singletrack) into the collective subconscious of mountain bikers – particularly those who cannot afford a new bike. (Editor’s Note II: Semi-scientific studies show the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie “Burly” model is more effective against insidiuous media-industry conspiracies than putting fingers in ears and humming.)

The best thing about the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is that it should allow many of us to just get out there and ride – blissfully unaware.

Coming in next week’s gear test: Bar-mounted, trail-to-air anti-black helicopter missiles.

Jamie Bate is the just-slightly-paranoid-conspiracy-minded editor of Singletrack.com. Reach him at jbate@competitorgroup.com.

Mountain Bikers React to Their First Taste of Non-Alcoholic Craft Beer

These local mountain bikers tried Athletic Brewing Company's craft beer for the first time, and you'd be surprised by their reactions.

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