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It's 'Out of Dish', But is it True?

In a new weekly column, "Out of Dish," Singletrack.com will scour the nether-regions of cyberspace for cycling-related material and then disgorge, plop and present it right on your doorstep. And it won't (hardly) ever be in a burning paper bag.

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Welcome to the first-ever “Out of Dish,” where you may ask… Is it true?

Superfly (almost) From the “Another Reason for 29-Inch-Wheels File”: We have video evidence that small wheels just don’t hold momentum like big wheels do. This guy would have aced the move had he been rolling a carbon Superfly 29er.

. . .

Circular Intervals We’re not sure what country this rider is from, but team RadioShack or some other outfit oughta send out a search party and sign him up quick: Dude lays down some serious f#*%ing wattage!

. . .

For the Age Groupers If you happen to be a “clydesdale” with body-image issues, don’t race in the Philippines. In the ever-porkifying USA, clydesdales run in the 200lbs-plus range and are named after horses that shill beer. In the Philippines you’ll get placed  into the “Fat Boys” category, which starts at a svelte 180lbs-plus…

On the other hand, if you’re getting to be an old-fart racer who never aspired to much beyond, well, riding your bike, a trip to Manila might just be an ego-booster. (Editor’s note to Old Farts seeking ego-boosts in Asia: Dude, they are never 18 years old.) So, if you’re 50 years old or older and hit a race in the Philippines you will have finally busted through the glass ceiling into the “Executive” category. Nice! Wonder if a bail-out bonus comes with that?

. . .

Which one...

Let the silliness begin The UCI and the London Olympic folks last week proudly unveiled the “pictograms” that will represent mountain biking and other cycling events in 2012.

The picto-thingamajigs will wordlessly inform the uniformed that Mr. Picto Man, who modeled for the images, is, for example, riding BMX. In explaining the pictos — as you would explain something to a THC-addled singlespeeder — the UCI/London folks tell us BMX Picto Man is on a “small bike, typical of this specialty, and is wearing a helmet with a visor.”

Wow!

...of these...

Picto Man, whose likeness you’ve seen on airport signage worldwide, also modeled as the XC rider in the picto-dealios, where’s he depicted on “uneven and rocky terrain.”

Whew!

We were a little confused by these pictograms, as mountain bikers also wear helmets with visors, and BMXers also risk it all for gold on uneven ground. To find out what really went on behind the scenes, we tracked down Picto Man for the scoop.

Picto Man is dismayed by his modeling job for the 2012 Olympics. Image: Jean Yves Lemoigne
Picto Man is dismayed by his modeling job for the 2012 Olympics. Image: Jean Yves Lemoigne
...doesn't belong?
...doesn't belong?

“I advised them to let me wear baggy shorts for the mountain bike pictogram — but would they listen? Bah!” Picto Man said over martinis.

Picto Man mentioned another issue that is immediately apparent when carefully viewing the 2012 Olympic cycling pictograms: There are no bicycles present. This raises questions about budgetary management in the cycling federations.

“I told them it is impossible to embody the power and grace of Julien Absalon when I have no bicycle to sit on. They said, ‘Don’t worry, we will Photoshop the bikes in later,'” Picto Man recalled for us. “I think the UCI is broke. I better get paid for this gig!”

As of press time, the Olympic cycling pictograms still did not contain bicycles and Picto Man had yet to be compensated. Calls to Supreme Cycling Headquarters were not returned.

Got some crazy bike smack? Send it to jbate@competitorgroup.com. Until next week, go get outta dish…