Wicks and his nose compete at CrossVegas last month.

Wicks and his nose compete at CrossVegas last month.

Photo: Ben Ross

I am Barry’s cracked and bleeding sinuses, pouring sticky sweet goo down into his nasal cavity. I am draining my wrath out on to his upper lip as he gasps for breath in the dry desert night.

I am vengeful and full of hate. The evil stench of a million vacant souls trickles in past mucus and hair and fills me up to the brim, reinforcing my quest to punish in every way I can.

Damn you who wants me to stand around in a massive germ filled vacuum of recycled, processed, “enhanced” air at Interbike all day. I am not your servant, I am my own piece of your soul. I cannot bear your pious cries. You want me to supply you with life giving breath whilst beating me to death burning laps around Crossvegas in pursuit of lycra-clad mad men hell bent on ripping your legs off and pushing me ever closer to the limits my own sanity?

Are you so surprised to find that I am causing you pain after the finish? Surprised when you wake up at 4 am after three hours of sleep and can hardly breathe due to the horde of thick yellow mucus I have built to protect myself from your abuses?

Did you think I was just going to take all that lying down? Do your bidding, rip through hell and back and just try to pretend we merely went for a nice stroll in the park! You will soon discover you were dead wrong my misinformed nemesis. I have had enough of your impishness, I am tucking in, putting my foot down, making my last stand …

I am gonna use that medulla oblongata, make you pay for this karma, turn against you and show you really who is in control this radical body. These are the new rules. You do what I like, when I like it, and we will see if we can work past this rough patch.

First off, no more large buildings full of billowing chaos germ clouds and air conditioned dry air. I want delicious pine-scented forest air at 75 degrees and 80 percent humidity. I want regular foot massages, spa treatments and the occasional refreshing spray provided by that awesome nasal irrigator your sister gave you for the airplane.

I want hot steam baths, humidifiers and decongestants. If you don’t meet my demands, I will be forced to complete the negotiations I have begun with my neighbors, monsieur throat and ears, and as you know, together we are an unstopable force, an immovable object and a hard place that is not to be messed with.

I conclude, it is all fun and games, coming to Vegas, living it up, meeting all the folks, seeing all the glittery bike bling and shaking a million hands, but at the end of the day, you are taking me home with you, and whatever little buddies I accumulated and was forced to hang out with are coming along for the ride.

I will try my best to take care of them and see them off, but I am only a small part of your entire self, and of me you are asking to much. So, what do you say? Let’s head back to the hotel, go for a nice little dip in the pool and then grab a napsy. That airplane ride looming in the near future won’t do you any favors with me, but if you treat me just right today, I might just hang on for you and let it all slide.