"Races are like films. You need actors to make them happen. The teams have all the actors, and without us there are no races." — pro-teams president Patrick Lefevere

The drudgery of a daily newspaper job is starting to look pretty good these days, and not just because the PETA contingent in the VeloNews.com audience objects to my habit of running a cute little puppy or kitty through a blender with some yogurt and fresh fruit so I can have a delicious protein shake for breakfast.

Next weekend’s Paris-Nice is in turmoil, with the grand tours and the UCI locked in an infantile squabble that would be appalling if it took place in a preschool sandbox instead of at the highest levels of the sport. April’s inaugural U.S. Open Cycling Championships in Virginia just lost its executive director. The Tour de Georgia is a month and a half off and a million smackers short. And we still don’t know who won last year's Tour de France.

In short, the sport seems to be losing its marbles faster than Britney Spears in a gin mill.

Score one for the straight-news biz. There’s an endless supply of Britneys, Anna Nicoles and Sir Pauls whose missteps demand daily coverage by the ladies and gentlemen of the Fourth Estate. But there’s only the one race to Paris. Well, to the French Paris, anyway, the one Hemingway wrote so fondly of. The clothing-optional American destination resort somehow draws more tourists, paparazzi and gendarmes despite being a good deal less appealing.

I don’t really want to follow the antics of people who are famous simply for being famous, not even for money, health insurance and regular days off. But I’m getting sick and tired of watching guys in suits upstage the guys in Lycra, too. It’s like watching the World Series of Poker on ESPN, as played by dogs onblack velvet, or maybe a remake of “The Hustler,” one in which all the characters are Bert Gordon.

You remember Bert, as played by George C. Scott: “When you hustle, you keep score real simple. At the end of the game, you count up your money. That's how you find out who's best. It's the only way.”

And that’s what this is all about. It’s not about cycling, any more than “The Hustler” was about shooting pool. It’s about the em-oh-en-e-why, baby. Money. Think of ASO as Minnesota Fats and the UCI as Fast Eddie. Fats has the money and Eddie wants some. The only question now is who winds up in the toilet with his thumbs broken.

Or maybe not. There is a third party involved — the riders, who arguably have the most to gain or lose as they get smacked around the table like so many stripes and solids as first ASO, then UCI takes its shots.

Today, team managers trying to figure out which way to bet in this high-stakes game, if any, demanded a round-table meeting Monday with the UCI and ASO.

“The problem is not Paris-Nice or ASO," Crédit Agricole manager Roger Legeay told The Associated Press on Thursday. "It's, ‘How can we arrange our season and what solutions can we find?’”

Here’s a solution for you: If the UCI and ASO insist on whaling away on each other with their pool cues after Monday's meeting, say to hell with both of them and put on a charity kermesse somewhere on March 11, a bandit event open to any pro team that wants to participate. No ProTour points, no prize list and free beer for everyone. Remind everyone that pro cycling is not just a job — it’s an adventure.

Do not, under any circumstances, invite UCI president Pat McQuaid and ASO chief Patrice Clerc. Instead, FedEx them a DVD of “The Hustler” and tell them to pay close attention to the ending. Fats is diminished, and Eddie is run out of town, but the game went on just fine without them.

Did O'Grady run the table or scratch on the 8-ball? Aim for that corner pocket at webletters@insideinc.com. Don't forget to include your full name, hometown and state or nation or we'll break your thumbs. — Editor